Galactic Republic Chancery election debate

*This is a parody of the United States presidential election debate*

Galactic Republic Chancery election debate –live on HoloNet News (HNN)

RUPIN: With thousands of lifeforms with me tonight, and even a billion more at home, I bring you live broadcast from 500 Republica on Coruscant. It is currently 1900 hours as the time has come for this year’s last Galactic Republic Chancery election debate.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Chut chut, I am Jedi Padawan Marva Rupin . . .

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: . . .and tonight, thanks to the polls you’ve completed, our candidates will answer the questions you want answered, perhaps ending this four-lead tie.

RUPIN: On the far left side of the stage, from the Dark Side party, we have Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith: former slave and Jedi’s Chosen One.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: More machine now than man, this iconic cyborg is second-in-command of Emperor Palpatine, a position he hopes to overthrow.

RUPIN: Next, from the Light Side party, is not just another strange old hermit next door. It is Obi-Wan Kenobi: former Jedi Master and General in the old Republic.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Although now a force ghost since his death aboard the Death Star, this old fossil still has a few Jedi mind tricks up his sleeves.

RUPIN: Also from the Light Side party, standing at only .66 m is Yoda: Grand Jedi Master of the demolished Jedi Order.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Judge him not by his size but the words of his wisdom, as this little green troll is nearing 900 years old.

RUPIN: Last, but not least, from the Independent party, is Han Solo: smuggler, turned rebel hero.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Making the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, this scoundrel doesn’t believe in hokey religions as no mystical energy field controls his destiny, not as long as a good blaster is by his side of course.

RUPIN: The rules are simple. Each candidate will have thirty seconds to answer each question. A buzzer will be heard to tell when time is up. No candidate may interrupt the other, and no candidate may go over the time that is offered.

RUPIN: Starting off, a year ago today the Death Star was destroyed by no other than Luke Skywalker, a farmer boy from Tatooine. Word is that a second Death Star is being built at this very second. Do you, or do not believe in this planet-destroying space station? Vader?

VADER: Hello, is this thing on? Okay, I believe the Death Star is the way to go.

SOLO: Of course wheezy here agrees with this. I don’t understand why you would ask this question to him.

RUPIN: Han, please don’t interrupt. This is a warning.

VADER: *coughcough* Continuing—

(DING)

RUPIN: Sorry, time’s up. Moving on.

RUPIN: Obi-Wan, you once claimed Imperial stormtroopers are highly skilled soldiers being ever so precise. Do you still agree with your original statement? If not, how would you replace our current military?

KENOBI: *chuckle* Well, those weren’t exactly my words, but no, I do not still agree. Admitting, I was in exile at the time—“

VADER: Like the coward he really is.

KENOBI: *clears throat* …as I was saying, assuming wrong, I thought they were the clone troopers I once fought along with nineteen years prior. But these bucketheads, haha, can’t tell the difference between a Wookie and an Ewok! There’s a reason I told Luke to run, and not scout for cover! Answering your question—“

(RING)

RUPIN: Oh, so sorry; however, time is up. Moving on. This is one of the most controversial questions out there, going to no other than Han Solo: Who shot first?

SOLO: *chuckle* I’m never going to admit if I shot first or not. Mostly because I don’t want to be charged with murder, but I will say this: I happen to like to shoot first . . . opposed to shooting second.

RUPIN: Thank you. Now moving on. Yoda, you can predict the future. What does the Force tell you right now?

YODA: Mhhhhmmm. Difficult to predict the future, it is. Always in motion, it is. Vote for me, our future is clouded if you do not.

RUPIN: Right, thank you Master. Any last words candidates?

KENOBI: You will vote for me

VADER: Come to the dark side. We’ve got cookies.

SOLO: I’m just in this for the money.

YODA: Trust in me, if you trust in the Force, then you can.