Galactic Republic Chancery election debate

*This is a parody of the United States presidential election debate*

Galactic Republic Chancery election debate –live on HoloNet News (HNN)

RUPIN: With thousands of lifeforms with me tonight, and even a billion more at home, I bring you live broadcast from 500 Republica on Coruscant. It is currently 1900 hours as the time has come for this year’s last Galactic Republic Chancery election debate.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Chut chut, I am Jedi Padawan Marva Rupin . . .

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: . . .and tonight, thanks to the polls you’ve completed, our candidates will answer the questions you want answered, perhaps ending this four-lead tie.

RUPIN: On the far left side of the stage, from the Dark Side party, we have Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith: former slave and Jedi’s Chosen One.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: More machine now than man, this iconic cyborg is second-in-command of Emperor Palpatine, a position he hopes to overthrow.

RUPIN: Next, from the Light Side party, is not just another strange old hermit next door. It is Obi-Wan Kenobi: former Jedi Master and General in the old Republic.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Although now a force ghost since his death aboard the Death Star, this old fossil still has a few Jedi mind tricks up his sleeves.

RUPIN: Also from the Light Side party, standing at only .66 m is Yoda: Grand Jedi Master of the demolished Jedi Order.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Judge him not by his size but the words of his wisdom, as this little green troll is nearing 900 years old.

RUPIN: Last, but not least, from the Independent party, is Han Solo: smuggler, turned rebel hero.

(APPLAUSE)

RUPIN: Making the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, this scoundrel doesn’t believe in hokey religions as no mystical energy field controls his destiny, not as long as a good blaster is by his side of course.

RUPIN: The rules are simple. Each candidate will have thirty seconds to answer each question. A buzzer will be heard to tell when time is up. No candidate may interrupt the other, and no candidate may go over the time that is offered.

RUPIN: Starting off, a year ago today the Death Star was destroyed by no other than Luke Skywalker, a farmer boy from Tatooine. Word is that a second Death Star is being built at this very second. Do you, or do not believe in this planet-destroying space station? Vader?

VADER: Hello, is this thing on? Okay, I believe the Death Star is the way to go.

SOLO: Of course wheezy here agrees with this. I don’t understand why you would ask this question to him.

RUPIN: Han, please don’t interrupt. This is a warning.

VADER: *coughcough* Continuing—

(DING)

RUPIN: Sorry, time’s up. Moving on.

RUPIN: Obi-Wan, you once claimed Imperial stormtroopers are highly skilled soldiers being ever so precise. Do you still agree with your original statement? If not, how would you replace our current military?

KENOBI: *chuckle* Well, those weren’t exactly my words, but no, I do not still agree. Admitting, I was in exile at the time—“

VADER: Like the coward he really is.

KENOBI: *clears throat* …as I was saying, assuming wrong, I thought they were the clone troopers I once fought along with nineteen years prior. But these bucketheads, haha, can’t tell the difference between a Wookie and an Ewok! There’s a reason I told Luke to run, and not scout for cover! Answering your question—“

(RING)

RUPIN: Oh, so sorry; however, time is up. Moving on. This is one of the most controversial questions out there, going to no other than Han Solo: Who shot first?

SOLO: *chuckle* I’m never going to admit if I shot first or not. Mostly because I don’t want to be charged with murder, but I will say this: I happen to like to shoot first . . . opposed to shooting second.

RUPIN: Thank you. Now moving on. Yoda, you can predict the future. What does the Force tell you right now?

YODA: Mhhhhmmm. Difficult to predict the future, it is. Always in motion, it is. Vote for me, our future is clouded if you do not.

RUPIN: Right, thank you Master. Any last words candidates?

KENOBI: You will vote for me

VADER: Come to the dark side. We’ve got cookies.

SOLO: I’m just in this for the money.

YODA: Trust in me, if you trust in the Force, then you can.

Galactic Language 101

     

     Hello, earthlings! My name is Jedi Padawan Marva Rupin and I will be your Jedi instructor in Galactic Language 101. Today we will start the basics in learning the languages Galactic Basic Standard, Huttese, Shyriiwook, and Binary.

Galactic Basic Standard:

     To begin, Galactic Basic Standard, or just Basic for short, is the most widely known way of communication in the Star Wars galaxy, heavily used in the Core Worlds as a second if not first language. This is the primary language of the Human species, specifically on the planets Coruscant, Alderaan, and Naboo. For this reason, many earthlings can speak Basic fluently as it is the same language as English minus a few words or phrases.

     For example, while earthlings say, “When pigs fly,” a Coruscanti would say, “When jawas swim,” since pigs aren’t common creatures, and Jawa’s native home is Tatooine, a desert planet.

     Here is a list of words that might prove helpful if you’re to visit:

Blaster = Gun

Turbolift = Elevator

Bacta = Neosporin

Airspeeder = Airplane

     Note: Basic does have its’ own written language; however, it is not similar to earthlings own Latin alphabet. Speakers of Basic read and write in Aurebesh.

Notable speakers: Obi-Wan Kenobi; Luke Skywalker; Ahsoka Tano

Huttese:

     If you ever drift far enough into the galaxy, you will wind up in Hutts Space surrounded by scums most likely speaking in Huttese, the second most common language in the galaxy. It is also the nastiest language as it’s always used to degrade one another which doesn’t surprise as this is the native language of the Hutts. Hutts are infamously known as gangsters, shaped as disgusting slugs with no bones. It will be your last mistake if you catch yourself entangled with them.

     Pointing out, many are high opinionated of the language Huttese as they believe their native tongue is superior to even Galactic Basic Standard. Also, like learning any new language, Huttese will take time to become fluent in. Don’t get discouraged if your friend, who is a Nimbanels or a Rodian, learns the language faster than you. They have advantages that as an earthling you’ll never have.

     For today, you will learn how to count starting with the number 0. Keep in mind that Hutts have eight fingers so their counting base is eight instead of ten. To save confusion for now, this is translated into Basic Value.

Nobo = 0

Bo = 1

Dopa = 2

Duba = 3

Fwanna = 4

K’wanna = 5

Keeta = 6

Goba = 7

Hunto = 8

Besska = 9

Bobobba = 10

     Notable Non/Native Speakers: Jabba the Hutt; Anakin Skywalker; Ziro the Hutt; Sebulba

Shyriiwook:

     The main trade language of the Wookies, Shyriiwook, also known as Wookieespeak, translates to Basic as, “tongue of the tree people”. Wookies, or “walking carpets” as Princess Leia refereed to one once, are the inhabitants of the planet Kashyyyk.

     One of the most recognizable species in the galaxy, Wookies are very kind in nature, but are destructive, such as pulling out people's arms out of their sockets when provoked. Similar to how Wookies aren’t capable of learning other languages than their native, outsiders can’t speak Shyriwook; however, can understand it.

      To any earthling, or anyone in general, Shyriiwook may sound like random animal growls, grunts, and whines, but when you understand the language, you realize just how intelligent it really is.

     Let’s take a look:

headache =  yo agaahaa

I have a headache

I have a yo agaahaa

doorway = haaag

There’s the doorway

There’s the haaag

Roooarrgh ur roo = I’ve got a bad feeling about this

Wugaga hu uwamma Woohiee wa-ah? = Who was that Wookie I saw you with last night?

Binary

      While droids may not be common on Earth, life wouldn’t be the same without them in the Star Wars universe, and while you can understand some droids, such as protocols, all others seem like they can only beep and bop at you. You start to wonder if the artificial intelligent robot can even understand you, or what they’re even saying back as some sound like they need an attitude check. 

     Yes, I’m referring to Artoo.

     Back on subject, these droids do comprehend what you’re saying, and they are answering back to you in their own language. This is called Binary, otherwise known as Droidspeak. Learning this language can be extremely helpful in all situations, anywhere in the galaxy.

     Let’s say you’re trying to pass through a door, but the droid guarding it won’t let you, beeping the same thing over and over again. Knowing Binary, you will understand that “Blurp blEEp Whee Hrng aba dweep,” is actually, “Please show me your security clearance pass”.

     And if you were to be pulled over by a security droid, you will know, “DooBWOOP pfft-PRROO tweeDAna WRRooU?” is actually, “Could I see your license and registration”.

     Then it helps while traveling through hyperspace that you understand the droid while playing ISpy. “DEEDo dopfft woowOO WEEyooo!” (I spy a Death Star)

Conclusion:

     These languages are important to know if you are to ever visit the Star Wars galaxy. Of course there are over a billion to learn, these are the most popular. Let’s review!

“He has a yo agaahaa in the duba turbolift.”

“He has a headache in the third elevator.”

That is all in today’s Galactic Language 101 class. Next week we will go over in more detail of these four languages, and will be introduced to Yoda’s language, and the language of the Ewoks. Practice what you have learned. May the Force be with you!